I’ve found myself looking at pictures lately…lots of pictures. I’ve been drawn to look at pictures of waiting children. There are so many children out there that need loving homes. It is a bit overwhelming. I’ve been questioning a lot of things lately: the age and sex of the child, the country, and even wether or not to adopt.
It all seems rather silly since I’ve already made all these decisions. We looked at countries and decided on Ethiopia. We both wanted a little girl. We decided we wanted to keep birth order, therefore, an infant or young toddler was the only choice. I know that having another biological is not a good choice for me. Yet, I’ve procrastinated about turning in my dossier for several months. So, what gives? Why is it so hard for me to take the last step?
I think the hardest thing for me is giving up the idea of having another biological child. It is not that I believe that I’ll love an adopted child any less than a biological one. It is knowing that I’ll never be pregnant again and have that particular experience. It is knowing that I won’t be able to see my genetic imprint on the little one in my arms. The experience I will have adopting will be special and beautiful in it’s own right…just different.
There are so many older children waiting to be adopted that desperately need families. I’ve considered adopting an older child but older children come with their own unique set of problems. I would like my son to grown up with a sibling that is close is age. So, for now the older child scenario is on hold. At this point I don’t want to have our family adjust to two adoptions in a close time frame. It still makes me feel guilty.
Ahh, guilt…I feel guilty that I want a little girl. My son would love to have a brother. We have all the clothing for a little boy. At this point I know little boys as well as little girls. So, why not a boy instead of a girl? Because now, months later, we would have to update our homestudy to reflect this. Also, my husband still wants a little girl. There are so many little boys on the waiting children lists. I can’t help but see one of them playing with Caden.
Finally, what about the country? We decided on Ethiopia for many reasons: lenient adoption policies, relatively quick process, infants available, choice of gender possible and most of all there is a great need there. I think Ethiopia is a good choice but I worry about what my adopted child will face. Racism is not dead, it is merely more subtle in this day and age. What will it be like for her to grow up in a biracial family in a mostly white neighborhood? What quiet comments may I hear over the years? Why should the color of skin matter? Why is it more biracial to adopt an African child than an Asian child?
I think what I’m feeling is something like getting cold feet before your marriage. There are so many choices and possibilities out there that I feel nervous that I am making the right one for our family. The children on the waiting list are appealing because you have knowns: a face, a name, a set of problems. I think especially having the face is an appealing thing. So, even though I’ve made my choices seeing all those little faces makes me question it.
~Alisha
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